The Waiting Game

I've been feeling generally pretty good these days.  I don't really have all of my energy back from pre-surgery yet and I'm definitely still sleeping a lot (though both could be due to stress and worry...), however I'm feeling more near my normal self.

For the most part...except...

Pretty much all I can think about is cancer and chemo.  The two C's.  They invade my every thought.  I find it hard to focus on many things because my mind tends to wander to one or the other.  It's a good thing I have TIVO because I do a lot of rewinding of shows these days because I'll realize I've zoned out and missed something.  And forget trying to make sense of reading anything!  It's futile!  Even trying to write...I'm so easily distracted and it's increasingly difficult for me to compose complete thoughts.  I've been writing these few paragraphs for 3 days.

I've heard about the phenomenon of "chemo brain."  Chemo brain is a mental fog.  Memory loss, difficulty concentrating, mental confusion are all part of chemo brain.  Unfortunately, I think I already have chemo brain.  I have "pre-chemo brain."  I'm sure of it.  I diagnosed myself so I know I'm right.  I suspect that pre-chemo brain may be caused by the stress of anticipating chemo.

Because, the reality is that I'm terrified.  Sure, I've read a lot about chemo.  I even read the entire book they gave me about it at the Cancer Center.  All the numerous pages of side effects and all the horrible things that can/will happen to you and your body.  I read them all. But, I don't know what it will really be like.  I don't know how it will affect ME.  I don't want the days to pass so that it gets here (6 more days) but then, the suspense is killing me.

It's so hard to plan your life when you don't know how you'll be feeling or what the effects on you will be.  I don't know how soon after I'll be able to join the land of the living.  I don't know if I'll just sleep through the first few days or if I'll be able to do some things?  Which side effects will I suffer from?  They are all horrendous so I'm curious as to which ones will get me!

I know my life will be drastically different for the next 3 months but I don't know how.

I'm really nervous and scared.  First the surgery on Wednesday to put the port in.  It's not a big surgery but it's a surgery nonetheless and I hate surgery and I hate IVs and I hate needles and I don't really like hospitals much either!  Then to have to get up the next morning and go in for chemo right away.  How cruel.

So, here I wait.  In a panic. Terrified. Scared. Petrified.

I wish I could think of more words because I feel them all right now.  Life and my future is so uncertain now.  All I can do is wait.