Pity Party

Today, I threw a party.  A pity party.  Everyone was invited but really only my mom and husband came.  In fact, they were unwilling guests to it.  I can't even remember how many times I cried today.  One time, I looked at my daughters sweet face and said, "You are so beautiful," and then started crying.  I would blame it on the drugs but I didn't take any today.

Which...was probably part of the problem.  I have been trying to ration my pain pills a bit.  I feel like such a wimp that I still need pain pills at 2 weeks out.  I heard stories of women who went home and only took a few Motrin after their mastectomy or they took one pain pill and that was it or they took up gymnastics the day after.  Okay, I made the last one up - but I was expecting to be in a lot less pain by now.  I'm just so uncomfortable!  These stupid drains do not help.

Oh, the drains, I only lost 1 on Tuesday at the doctor.  Just one!  I was so hopeful.  Especially since both the drains on the left side are really not putting much out at all.  But my doctor totally burst my bubble when he said, "Don't get your hopes up - we never pull out both drains from one side at the same time..."  I asked him if he enjoyed raining on my parade!  He didn't look at all sorry.  He did say, "Well, I can pull them both out today but then I'll have to stick a needle in your side next week to drain any fluid that's there...  Well, gee, when you put it that way.  Darnit.

So, I did lose one drain and, really, I was happy with that but, maybe, I was a little disappointed too.  I was also upset to find out that I had infections on both sides.  Not in the drains but in the leftover skin.  The extra skin that is left in preparation for my new boobs.  I can't feel any of this, I'm completely numb - but both sides are pretty infected I guess.  I made the mistake of accidentally looking at one side where it's infected and I really wish I hadn't.  Ugh.  I won't even describe to you what it looks like.  You don't want to know.  Anyway, my poor husband has to help change the dressings now twice a day.  I cried tonight when he had to do that.  No man should have to do that for their wife!  I felt terrible.  I apologized.

No husband should have to see their wife like this!  I know everyone will say - he loves you, he does it because he loves you...  I know.  But, I just feel so guilty.  So guilty for getting sick. So guilty for getting breast cancer.  So guilty for ruining our lives - even though, only short term, I hope.

I hope.

Only short term, I hope.  But, I don't know, do I?  I don't know how long this ordeal will go on.  I don't know if I'll be cured.  Or if one day I'll find out that the cancer did spread.  Stage IV breast cancer seems like a death sentence if you ask me.  I'm "only" Stage II and I'd like to keep it that way.  But, there are no guarantees...

"Someone" who loves me.

Tomorrow, I find out about chemo.  Will I need chemo?  Are my chances good even if I don't have chemo?  I have such mixed feelings.  One part of me wants to have chemo to make sure that it's gone - any rogue cancer cells in my body = obliterated!  The rest of me doesn't think I can take much more.  I have moments of wanting to give up.  Moments where I simply feel I can not go on.  I can't endure any more of this!  Just forget it!  I'm done.

But, then, I remember - this life isn't just about me.  This life.  The life that I've happily created involves many people who love me and rely on me.  Rely on me to keep fighting and to be okay.  Giving up would be the ultimate in selfishness, wouldn't it?  I have to push on, even though I don't think I can.

Boob Count = 108