*SHAZAM*

Today is the last day of having my own breasts.  Well, I guess that's not really true, I'll have breasts again and they will be my own, but they won't exactly be "home-grown."

SHAZAM!

A lot of people have been asking how I'm feeling.  I don't really know how I'm feeling.  It's just so many emotions all rolled up in one and I can't even pinpoint just one - plus how I'm feeling changes from minute to minute.  I still wish it weren't ME!  I still wish it weren't TRUE!  I still wish I could DISAPPEAR!

Disappearing isn't easy though.  I tried it.  I sat in my favorite chair downstairs and put a blanket over my head. I even whispered "Shazam" which, as far as I know, is the official disappearing word.  My husband thought I was napping and didn't say anything but my 7 year old son found me and started laughing hysterically.  It's really hard to concentrate on disappearing when someone is laughing hysterically.  I told him to hush, "I'm trying to disappear," I said.  He found that not at all alarming and laughed harder.  Then he took my blanket and tried to disappear himself.  The magic was gone then and me and my boobs were still here.

I've come to terms with everything as much as I can I think.  I have prepared myself as much as I can.  I'm trying to prepare myself for the devastation of it all.  Trying to prepare for the surgeon marking up my breasts before the surgery.  Trying to prepare for the time when they take off the bandages and I really see my body.  Trying to prepare for looking down and seeing my stomach instead of my boobs.  It dawned on me a couple of days ago that my chubby stomach will now be bigger than my "non-existent" boobs.  That made me cry.

I have to be at the hospital at 7:45 for the shot in the boob (cruel, I tell you!) and then I head right over to the other hospital in town to get ready for surgery.  They told me 10:30 - 11:00 for start of surgery, but I have 3 surgeries in front of me so I really think it'll get pushed later.  Oh joy.  I hope they give me some good drugs while I wait!

I did call the surgeon's office today and ask about taking Valium - I still have one left from the MRI.  I can take it tonight but not in the morning.  Apparently, you have to be "sober" when you go in for surgery so you can sign the release.  That rules out the Vodka I was going to down in the morning too.  Darn.

A lot of friends have also asked me how much I think I'll lose (weight -wise) after the surgery.  How much do these things weigh?  I already thought of that.  After I thought of it, my husband also brought it up.  I tried to weigh them on the kitchen scale but it's not as easy as you might think.  I didn't get an accurate reading really. (No one will ever want to eat at my house again now, I'm sure).  A friend (Hi Kathy!) sent me an article about a woman who is in the Guinness Book of World Records for having the largest breasts and each of her breasts weighs 56 pounds.  I'm pretty sure mine are a little less than that so that wasn't really a good guideline.

It's now less than 14 hours until surgery.  At this point, I'm just focused on getting there and getting the shot over with and getting the IV over with and just surviving without having a mental breakdown before they put me to sleep. It's at least a 4 hours surgery so it's going to be a long day no matter what.  I'll just be thrilled to wake up in recovery and be ALIVE!  I'll deal with the rest later.

That is, of course, unless I succeed in disappearing tonight.  Bring me my blanket!  SHAZAM I SAY!!!  SHAZAM!!!!

Boob Count = 95