The Future

I planned to go to the gym today.  Instead, I think I'll take a nap.  I'm tired, of course.  The stress of what I'm going through is exhausting.  Also, even though wallowing sounds easy, it really does take a lot out of you.  However, today being Monday means that the "wallowing period" is officially over.  Or maybe not.

It's hard to see a future when you have cancer.  Even harder when you get it twice in 5 months.  This is why I'm struggling to make it back to the gym.  Even though I really enjoy going - the benefit of going, the reason I went - was because I was getting healthier, I was making sure I was in better shape, I wanted to have a great summer of walks and hiking with the kids.  And long term, I wanted to be healthier and live longer.  And now I have cancer (again) and it seems so futile.  I *know* it's not and I know you'll all post to me and say, "You are going to beat this!"  and it's not that I think I won't...it's just that it's hard to see beyond tomorrow and next week and next month when your future seems so uncertain.

I'll have better boobs though.

I think we, generally, take for granted that we will live until we are old.  I certainly never questioned that I would live at least as long as my parents or my grandmother (who was in her mid-90's when she died).  I planned to become one of those crotchety old lady types.  I planned on having a cane that I could smack people with on a whim.  I never questioned that I would meet my grandchildren and someday move into one of those cool old folks homes where they play Bingo and take art classes (even though, I really don't like art...).  Having renal cancer was quite a blow to my optimism and it was even hard for me to make summer plans, I just couldn't see that far ahead...  Right when I was starting to see a future again, I found out I have breast cancer and it's all gone again.  When I look into the far away future, I just see darkness, it's all so unknown.  Because, let's face it, cancer kills.

Laura Ziskin

A woman died of breast cancer today.  Actually, I'm sure several women died of breast cancer today - but one made headlines.  Her name was also Laura - Laura Ziskin to be exact.  She was a Hollywood producer - Pretty Woman, Spiderman, As Good as it Gets - she produced those movies among others.  She found her breast cancer in 2004 - Stage III.  She was "cured" but it came back again as Stage IV last year.

Why her?  Why me?  Why anyone?  No one knows.  My Mom told me she saw on the news that researchers are close to a cure for AIDS - I hope a cure for cancer is next.  Everyone wants a shot at their future, I know I do.

(Tomorrow I have another appointment with the surgeon to ask questions and schedule the surgery date.)

Boob Count = 53 (Only One Today)