Monday, July 25, 2011


I haven't written lately because I've been so busy - in a really good way.  See, a bunch of friends came to town this weekend and I got to do a lot of fun touristy stuff that you only do in your town when people come to visit. Like going to the Space Needle.  Always there, always available, walk by it several times a year, but it's just more fun to go with people who've never been.

And the best thing about the last 4 days.  I forgot I have cancer.  Like...a lot!  Many times.  Once I went to practically jump in the car.  That was not wise and I wouldn't recommend "forgetting" about cancer that well.  But, it was so wonderful.  If part of healing is healing the soul, then I did a lot of that this weekend.


Everyone left.  And after a good nap, it was back to reality.  Back to trying to coordinate where the kids will go during my appointments this week.  Back to realizing that in 2 weeks, I start chemo.  CHEMO!  Ugh.

Me - 4 years old - Look at the gorgeous hair!
And because I'm a totally rational woman, I'm completely freaked out about losing my hair.  Poisons in my body?  Meh, that's okay - but don't touch the hair!  I really really love my hair.  I'm not really one of those people that always wished they had different hair.  I've always, for the most part, really loved my hair.  It's really thick, it's really soft, it's curly but I can make it straight if I want; and, at 41 years old, I've never even colored it yet.  I have some gray to be sure (more are popping out daily, I'm sure) but not really enough yet to justify coloring my hair.  And, though, I've gone through times of hating my hair color, I've come to (mostly) love it.  It's dark dark brown.  Yes it is!  It's not black!  Dark brown.  People never believe me until I put something black up to it and then they say, "Oh, okay, you win - dark brown..."  I always sort of wanted a little bit lighter brown, but I haven't spent any sleepless nights over the color that I do have.

But, now - Goodbye.  I know there are good things about losing your hair - think of the shampoo savings!  No more hair in the drain!  But, it's hard to focus on those for more than a second - because then I just think again, Oh My God - I'm losing my HAIR!

I don't have much to call my own anymore I feel like.  Cancer has taken my breasts and now, it really is taking over the rest of my body.  I'll lose the hair on my head and I may lose all of the hair on my body.  And while, the thought of a free bikini wax and not having to shave my legs, is tempting - for the most part, I really like the hair on my body.  And if my double rows of eyelashes don't grow back, I'm going to be TICKED!

I remember that one of the ladies from the cancer center said she lost the hair in her nose!  In. Her. Nose!  She said that was the worst.  It's painful when you don't have hair to protect your nose!  And anything in your nose just runs out without abandon.

Boy, Cancer is lots-o-fun!

The consolation is that there are a lot of cute hats and scarves these days.  There are whole companies that specialize in head coverings for women who have lost their hair and they really are fashionable.

I'm concerned though. dirty little secret is...oh gosh, this is so hard...

I have an abnormally large head.

There, I said it.  *Whew*  I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted.  I'm not kidding either.  When I try on cute hats at stores, they are often too small.  I always hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll look cute in a hat!  I want to be a "hat person."  Someone that can wear a hat and look adorable.  But, I'm not and I don't look cute.  Never.  I look like a dork.  I mean, more of a dork.  And, usually, 9 times out of 10, they don't fit.  It's really pathetic.

In fact, I went down to the Cancer Center first floor and looked at some of the free hats after I found out about the chemo and I even was brave enough to try one on.  It was so cute with a little brown buckle.  And yes, it was way too small. Do average women have teeny heads or what?!  I would have tried on more but I started to cry with the gravity of the realization that I was trying on hats because I was going to lose my hair and I just couldn't go on.

My mother said it's a little premature to be thinking about hats.  But, really, it's not.  I start chemo in just over 2 weeks and your hair starts to fall out 7-10 days after the first treatment so I'm really only about 3 weeks from losing my hair.  Not premature to start planning, to start thinking about it, to start trying to accept it.

How much more can I give to appease cancer?  What else does it need from me?  What more do I have to give?

I guess, in the whole scheme of things, when you look at it as trading hair for life - it's not so bad.  But, I still like my hair and I'll miss it dearly.  I'm about to become a hat person, whether I like it or not.

(Thank you Renee, Viki & Yvette for a great weekend!)


  1. It would really freak me out too Laura!

  2. It's going to have to be scarves for you then, eh? Hmm....(wheels spinning here...)

  3. I'll still love you if you're bald! Besides, braces are getting a little old...need something new to make fun of you for! I'm glad I had a role in helping you forget your pain.

  4. Ha, ha, you crack me up! You can hide the breastlessness with baggie clothing, but baldness, is, well, bald. You are such a trooper, you'll get through. I recommend getting a really short haircut. That way it won't be such a shock when it falls out (mine was like that scene in the movie Silkwood where Meryl Streep's characters hair falls out in the shower). It wasn't fun. It is amazing how much we hide behind our hair.

    Oh, and I realized I had a very small head. I had to shop in the children's section for a hat. I guess you won't be needing any of my hand me downs.

    Well, you hang in there. Keep your sights on the end game.

  5. If you do in fact lose your hair (which may or may not happen) but probably will :( I have a big head too! REI has some hats on clearance right now. They are cute and they fit!!! I'll see what I can find online to show you what they look like!

  6. I have a brilliant idea. Why don't you shave your head now, and use your OWN HAIR for a wig. Then it would be like you still have your hair, and it won't get any more grey! Brilliant, right? You're welcome!! :)

  7. Laura, I can't tell you how thrilled I am that you FORGOT. That is definitely my FAVORITE part of the weekend!!!!

    I think scarves are often prettier than hats. We need to find some instructions on how to do it right though.