Now that I have more time to think about chemo - it's a bit hard to swallow. It's hard to do something to yourself that will make you sick and that you know will make you sick. Because, finally, almost a month out of surgery, I'm starting to feel fine again.
Oh sure, I'm still having some issues with healing but, thankfully, everything is numb down there. I still can only sleep on my back and I have terrible aches and pains when I first get out of bed. But, I haven't taken pain pills in days now and I feel fine. I'm not really up to doing anything yet but I did make my kids lunch today for the first time in forever so that's a step in the right direction. Because you know you are neglecting your children when your 7 year old teaches himself how to make him and his sister a peanut butter sandwich.
But, see, I didn't really care if anyone got fed. I didn't even care if I got fed most of the time and that's new for me because I always want to get fed! Ha! But, when you are in pain and on pain pills, you are just mostly waiting for the hours to pass, waiting for the next nap or next sleep.
Now, though, I'm not really in pain. I'm feeling good! Not "bungee jumping good" but "normal life good." I would love to start making plans for the rest of the summer and just enjoy the beautiful Seattle summer weather.
And then I remember...oh ya, I have breast cancer. I have Stage II breast cancer. I have a 50% chance of getting Stage IV breast cancer. It's hard to remember those cold hard facts when you, essentially, are feeling well. And it's hard to make yourself sick in hopes that you'll be better. Better for a lot longer.
I was elated when I first found out that chemo was being pushed back. But, I'm not feeling so elated anymore. Now I'm wishing I could just get on with it. I'm dangerous when I have too much time to think about things. I start to worry and get nervous.
And so here I am at 1:30 a.m. worrying and being nervous. I feel so good - how could anything possibly be wrong?!