No one can throw a Mother into a guilt trip like her child. Tonight was my turn.
My 9 year old daughter was sent to bed an hour early after clobbering her brother for "being annoying." He is her little brother and I'm sure he is annoying to her, but she is not allowed to hit him. As smart as she is, this lesson seems to be slow in coming.
So, she sat in her room bawling and pondering the miseries of her life. Ever the writer, she decided to put her feelings on paper. She then enlisted her little brother (the annoying one) to bring that paper to me. I read it and was first mad and then I was upset and cried. Because amid all the rantings about how unfair her life is was this:
"I just want to have a healthy mom!"
I was devastated! I feel so guilty anyway. I really try to not feel guilty - it's not MY fault. I certainly didn't choose this for myself or for my children. I don't want to live my life this way! Chemo hanging over our heads. Always waiting for cancer to return. The constant doctor appointments. The pain. The no fun bummer summer.
I didn't do any of this on purpose but maybe at 9 years old you can't see that. You don't know who to blame or why. I know I am the one with cancer, but I also know that it deeply affects everyone around me. I try to be sensitive to that.
I didn't go talk to her, I was too upset. She's asleep now. But, what is there to say? I'm sure a lot seems wrong in her little world right now and I don't think there's anything I can do to fix that.