Friday, August 12, 2011

The Guilt Trip

No one can throw a Mother into a guilt trip like her child.  Tonight was my turn.

My 9 year old daughter was sent to bed an hour early after clobbering her brother for "being annoying."  He is her little brother and I'm sure he is annoying to her, but she is not allowed to hit him.  As smart as she is, this lesson seems to be slow in coming.

So, she sat in her room bawling and pondering the miseries of her life.  Ever the writer, she decided to put her feelings on paper.  She then enlisted her little brother (the annoying one) to bring that paper to me.  I read it and was first mad and then I was upset and cried.  Because amid all the rantings about how unfair her life is was this:

"I just want to have a healthy mom!"

I was devastated!  I feel so guilty anyway.  I really try to not feel guilty - it's not MY fault.  I certainly didn't choose this for myself or for my children.  I don't want to live my life this way!  Chemo hanging over our heads.  Always waiting for cancer to return.  The constant doctor appointments.  The pain.  The no fun bummer summer.

I didn't do any of this on purpose but maybe at 9 years old you can't see that.  You don't know who to blame or why.  I know I am the one with cancer, but I also know that it deeply affects everyone around me.  I try to be sensitive to that.

I didn't go talk to her, I was too upset.  She's asleep now.  But, what is there to say?  I'm sure a lot seems wrong in her little world right now and I don't think there's anything I can do to fix that.


  1. Laura... hang in there... I'm at a loss for words on what to say... maybe you could share your thoughts with a crisis counselor. They have a lot of ideas on how to cope with that kind of response... and help find ways to vent for the family.. love ya!!!

  2. Aw....sorry. Yes 9 year old girls sure do have a way with words don't they? Maybe you should seek out a way for her to get involved. Are there any community cancer awareness programs around town? Like here they have a Run/Walk for Breast she could do something like that, that would make her part of the cause and fundraising efforts for a cure. At 9, i'm sure she feels helpless. But maybe if she was proactive, she could feel that she is helping. Just a thought. Hang in there're doing a fantastic job! ~Viki~

  3. I think you need her to talk to someone outside the family. It might give a clearer perspective on things, and one that isn't so focused on herself.

    You have nothing to feel guilty about. She needs to understand how lucky she is to have a mom that wants to fight as hard as you do. You are "Number 1" right now.

    Keep going! I pray for you.

  4. Thanks so much you guys! She's doing okay. She gets to go visit the counselor at school whenever she wants. I set that up when I was diagnosed in May. She goes almost every day and that's okay. School starts again in about 3 weeks so she'll have someone to talk to again outside of the family which I do think is good for her...


  5. Please tell her that if she wants to talk to another girl who's mom had breast cancer, she can talk to me anytime! I have skype and would definitely make the time for her!