Tuesday, June 28, 2011
At Least I Don't Have Gout!
I was finished with both brochures and still could not hear the TV program so I just had to wait and listen to the loud talkers. I was elated when they got called back and I could hear all about the syringes people use to control diabetes. That part I could have done without. Thankfully, I was saved by a 3 year old entering the office. She was much more entertaining than gout, arthritis or diabetes.
Finally, they found the paperwork and I was able to get stuck. Only one try to get a vein - a huge success for me. After the blood draw, I crossed the street to the Cancer Center for my last oncologist appointment before the surgery.
I found out that my iron levels are a little low. Not as low as they have been in past (when I was severely anemic for a time) but still borderline and too low for a big surgery. I like to decide things using math so I asked for the percentages. I'm pretty low risk for a transfusion anyway - about 10-15% if I don't get the iron infusion - but if I do get it before surgery, it'll bring that risk down to almost zero. I needed to think about it. I'm really too busy feeling sorry for myself to be bothered by this. My husband had other ideas and told me I needed to do it.
I'll only be getting a half dose which takes 3-4 hours. But, of course, there's a needle involved again. Suspicious.
I think it hit me yesterday that those were the last appointments before the surgery. It's really going to happen. And I really don't want it to happen.
I had a mini-nervous breakdown yesterday when I got home. I don't want any of this! I don't want to lose my breasts! I don't want to have surgery! I don't want cancer! No No No!!! I just want to crawl under a rock and pretend none of this is happening! At this point, I'm FORCING myself to go through with it. I know I have to. My husband was able to talk me down from the ledge and remind me why I am doing this - why I have to do this. He wants me around for a long time. My children want me around for a long time. We don't want to have to worry about breast cancer ever again. I hate it when he's all rational and right!
The oncologist asked me yesterday what I had decided as far as my surgery options. I told him a double mastectomy and he asked why I chose that. First of all he and the surgeon recommended it. I chirped, "Two out of three doctors agree!" He laughed. I told him I didn't want to do it but I thought it was the smart decision and he said, "Yes, it's the smart decision." That did make me feel better.
So, on we go. I'm just sort of surviving right now. I don't really feel like doing anything - I'm trying to keep up my regular routine but I don't really enjoy anything, not really. I feel like I'm in a fog. And my breast is hurting more and more all the time. A good reminder, physically, of why I'm doing this - but sometimes it's not enough to reassure me.