I'm depressed. I finally gave in today and just admitted it. I'm depressed.
This is kind of new for me. I'm pretty happy generally, not much gets me down for long. I get mad, I yell at my kids, I have a bit of road rage at times - but, for the most part, I'm definitely a "glass half full" kind of person. I like to joke and laugh and I can always come up with something ridiculous to say or do. I don't think I've been really depressed since I was a teenager and I spent as much time as I could in my room avoiding people who might ask me ridiculous and pesky prying questions like, "How was your day?" How Dare They!! But, for the most part, I've lived my life happy, happy, happy.
Nothing makes me happy. Nothing makes me feel better. There's still laughter in every day of course. But, I'm also on the verge of tears all day as well. But, I haven't cried in days. It's almost like I'm too depressed to cry.
I just want to sleep all day, I'm struggling to get up in the mornings and get the kids to school on time. (Admittedly, however, this isn't too new - I hate mornings!) I'm having the hardest time concentrating. I can't focus on anything. Nothing is fun, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything or talk to anyone or see anyone.
I have to absolutely force myself to go through the motions of my day. When, really, I'd just rather be in bed feeling sorry for myself. Keeping it together for my kids so they don't freak out takes everything I've got. But, of course, my 9 year old daughter is very focused on my moods and how I'm feeling. She is so worried about me, it's heartbreaking. I'm worried about me, but I'm worried about her too. She draws me endless pictures and makes me cards, all with pink ribbons on them. I HATE that, at 9 years old, she knows first hand what a pink ribbon is and what it means! It absolutely kills me! Today she drew me a picture:
When you found out you had breast cancer, you cried
But remember I will always be on your side
No matter weather
I will always love you all sky high
<sigh> Best note ever!
Looking forward, I'm hoping that tomorrow, talking to the surgeon again and making the appointment for the surgery will help. At least I'll feel like I'm taking action - moving forward, instead of the limbo that I've been in. Because now that I've made the decision to have the double mastectomy, it's not that I want to "get it over with" but I want to start moving in the right direction. Because walking around with cancer lurking in your body isn't a smart move for long.
I hate complaining, I hate being "weak," I hate asking for help, I hate needing help, I hate being felt sorry for, I hate it all! This is not ME! This is not who I am!
For now though, it's all I can be. Just keep breathing - keep moving through everyday - just try to survive.