Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Okay, I'll Say It...

I'm depressed.  I finally gave in today and just admitted it.  I'm depressed.

This is kind of new for me.  I'm pretty happy generally, not much gets me down for long.  I get mad, I yell at my kids, I have a bit of road rage at times - but, for the most part, I'm definitely a "glass half full" kind of person.  I like to joke and laugh and I can always come up with something ridiculous to say or do.  I don't think I've been really depressed since I was a teenager and I spent as much time as I could in my room avoiding people who might ask me ridiculous and pesky prying questions like, "How was your day?"  How Dare They!!  But, for the most part, I've lived my life happy, happy, happy.

Until now.

Nothing makes me happy.  Nothing makes me feel better.  There's still laughter in every day of course.  But, I'm also on the verge of tears all day as well.  But, I haven't cried in days.  It's almost like I'm too depressed to cry.

I just want to sleep all day, I'm struggling to get up in the mornings and get the kids to school on time.  (Admittedly, however, this isn't too new - I hate mornings!)  I'm having the hardest time concentrating. I can't focus on anything.  Nothing is fun, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything or talk to anyone or see anyone.

I have to absolutely force myself to go through the motions of my day.  When, really, I'd just rather be in bed feeling sorry for myself.  Keeping it together for my kids so they don't freak out takes everything I've got.  But, of course, my 9 year old daughter is very focused on my moods and how I'm feeling.  She is so worried about me, it's heartbreaking. I'm worried about me, but I'm worried about her too.  She draws me endless pictures and makes me cards, all with pink ribbons on them.  I HATE that, at 9 years old, she knows first hand what a pink ribbon is and what it means!  It absolutely kills me!  Today she drew me a picture:

It says:
When you found out you had breast cancer, you cried
But remember I will always be on your side
No matter weather
Or mood
I will always love you all sky high

<sigh> Best note ever!

Looking forward, I'm hoping that tomorrow, talking to the surgeon again and making the appointment for the surgery will help.  At least I'll feel like I'm taking action - moving forward, instead of the limbo that I've been in.  Because now that I've made the decision to have the double mastectomy, it's not that I want to "get it over with" but I want to start moving in the right direction.  Because walking around with cancer lurking in your body isn't a smart move for long.

I hate complaining, I hate being "weak," I hate asking for help, I hate needing help, I hate being felt sorry for, I hate it all!  This is not ME!  This is not who I am!

For now though, it's all I can be.  Just keep breathing - keep moving through everyday - just try to survive.


  1. Laura, I am so proud of you for this. I pray that as you walk this path, the sun begins to shine again. I've been in that "keep it together for the kids" mode before, thank God for the kids, but my wise aunt told me to lock myself in the bathroom and have a good cry for a period of time every day. When I was in that situation, movies were a good diversion...lots of comedies. It was hard for me to allow myself to take a brain break though...a break from figuring things out..un-figurable things of course. Hang in there. I hope that you can-get on with it already-very soon. Hugs,

  2. Laura, that is such a sweet note from your daughter. Kids have a way of putting things in perspective, and sometimes simplifying things. They certainly see things differently then adults do.

    IF there was ever any time to ask friends for help, this is it. I know it's hard to do, but I have always been very honored when a friend has asked me for help (ahem, hint...hint...)You have such a great support system, we are all here. Hugs to you!

  3. You need to see it differently...like this:

    I LOVE complaining, I LOVE being "weak," I LOVE asking for help, I LOVE needing help, I LOVE being felt sorry for, I LOVE it all! THIS IS ME! THIS IS WHO I AM.

    B/c on the other side of all of this, it'll look like this:

    I LOVE complaining (Bwahaha), I LOVE being strong, I LOVE OFFERING help, I LOVE being a SURVIVOR, I LOVE IT ALL...THIS IS WHO I AM.

    One step in front of the other. Head up....chest (boobs or without) forward....positive thoughts, tons of prayers and love coming your way, cry your eyes out, surrender to the help and support and know that you are a child of God and you are blessed.

  4. You are where you are right now whether it is happy, sad or depressed, you kinda have to just go with it and go through it I think. And that's probably going to change from day to day, maybe hour to hour. None of your feelings are wrong and it's natural to grieve right now but you won't be stuck there-I know it.

  5. Laura~
    I understand how you are feeling. Our son had testicular cancer at 19, reoccurance at 21 with full chemo. It was a tough road (he's doing great and nearly halfway thru remission on the way to cured status!) I have been going to Samaritan Counseling - it has helped me so much... and not just with the cancer issues. I have a delightful counselor (she thought I was depressed also) but I have come out on the other side. Lots of loving support from friends, family and P.E.O. Sisters, a superb oncologist and surgeon (who are Christians) really helped tremendously too. It is a journey, it's good to cry along the way (relieves stress!) I had to accept help from others in many wonderful meals cheerfully delivered to our home - so grateful for the many hands that prepared them! Don't worry about what you 'should' feel, but concentrate on what you need and surround yourself with all those loving friends who want to be there for you. I'll be praying for you...