Perhaps one of the hardest things about cancer is that you LOOK fine and, really, I feel fine too. I don't look sick (well, no more than usual). So, it's hard to come to terms with the fact that there is something in your body trying to kill you. It's difficult to know that you are basically going to mutilate your body when, essentially, you feel okay.
However, today, my left breast is really hurting. It doesn't help that I'm STILL sore and bruised from the biopsy that was over 2 weeks ago (My boob is now yellow in case you were wondering. You weren't wondering? Oh, well, now you know anyway.). But, now I'm having shooting pains in my breast. And it makes me realize that I HAVE had this pain before - recently! Over the past few months I've been having shooting pains in this breast. Not all the time, not everyday even - just randomly. And I never gave it a second thought - because, let's face it, I'm getting OLD and I have aches and pains - nothing to run to the doctor about. I don't want to be one of THOSE people. I spend enough time at the doctor, I don't need to invent things to go see him about.
However, they say "Cancer doesn't hurt until it's too late." At this point, maybe I'm just "inventing" pain because it still seems weird that it doesn't hurt. How can it be in there, invading my body, and not HURT? But cancer doesn't have to hurt physically to do damage of course. I guess my heart hurts enough to make up for it.
At this point, it's just so hard to go on. I'm lonely all day but I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to be alone but I don't want anyone to come over. I don't want to stay home but I don't want to go anywhere. It's hard to live my life day to day just waiting but I don't want the future to come too fast. (Confused? Ya, me too) One of my friends that recently went through Breast Cancer (shout-out to Shelly - woot!) and had a lumpectomy said she just wanted the bad cut out. For me, I'm not so anxious. I wish I could slow time down - just a little longer please - just a little longer living with my body the way it is. Because, for me, cutting the bad out means losing my breasts. And as much as I try to face that everyday, I just can't. I stall going to bed every night because going to bed means getting to the next day faster and one less day when I have my breasts.
Right now, I'd really just like to lay in bed everyday all day in the fetal position. I tried it for a while today but then I got a cramp in my leg and had to pee. I can't even do depression correctly.
So, I go on. I take the kids to school, I go to the grocery store, I run my little business, I feed the dogs, I make dinner. I live life, knowing that my life is soon going to change forever in drastic ways. If you see me, you can ask me, "How are you?" but just expect a look of utter confusion in return.
Boob Count = 42