Saturday, June 25, 2011

Cancer Doesn't Hurt

I hope I'm not repeating myself (just humor me) but I've always heard the saying that "Cancer doesn't hurt."  Though that may be true for some people, it's not my experience.  I'm not talking about emotional pain here (we all know cancer takes a hellish emotional toll) but physical pain.

Ohhh, pretty colors - but not on a boob.
My breast is so tender, so painful.  It took me a long time to recover from the biopsy.  The biopsy wasn't terribly painful but my breast was definitely sore for quite a while after and bruised for much longer (oh, the pretty colors).  I'm recovered from that now though - and my breast really still hurts.  It's sore and tender and even hitting it with my arm makes me wince.

At this point, I can very easily feel the lump.  At first I could barely find it!  Now it's very prominent.  I'm trying to not be paranoid - but I'm pretty sure it has grown.  It's freaking me out!!  The primary lump (there is another that I can't yet feel) is now very noticeable.  I would have definitely found it at this point - and, I would have known something was up because of the pain too.  My 9 year old daughter wanted to feel it so I let her.  I let her feel on my breast where there is no lump and let her feel where there is a lump.  She needs to know this for future reference too. (I just so wish she didn't have to learn it at 9)

My first run-in with cancer hurt too.  The only reason my renal cancer was discovered is because I was having severe pain in my side and ended up in the ER (on Christmas Eve!).  I'm so lucky to have found it (Stage I) because renal cancer is one of those cancers that rarely hurts and isn't found until it's too late!

In a way, the pain justifies everything.  When something actually hurts, you can sort of better come to terms with the fact that it needs to go!  You just want the pain to stop.  With my kidney, I was ready to do anything to never again experience the pain that landed me in the ER!

I'm starting to feel that way about my left breast.  It hurts.  I need some bubble wrap or something because I keep hitting it and bumping into walls with it - things I'm sure I've probably done for years, but now it hurts. So, it makes it real to me that there is cancer there and that getting rid of it is justified. It's harder to lose the other breast - it doesn't hurt, it's healthy.  But for how long?  The arguments for keeping it are few.

I feel as though as my surgery approaches, I ramble more and more.  The thoughts in my head aren't really coherent and I fear my blog is reflecting that.  I hope I'm not repeating myself (I do know I said that already).   I never want to be one of those people the repeats themselves and people just humor them because they respect the elderly.  Maybe I am one of those people already and I just don't know it?!

Oh well, just smile and nod.  It appeases me.

Boob Count = 90


  1. Really, though I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

  2. Otherwise,
    (smiling and nodding)